I've been pondering about many things lately... and as a result, I kinda forget to keep things in clear perspective. You know, when you hear that saying about everyone being special and adding meaning to life and all? I think back to that commerical about that little fly that sits on a rock and you see a whole chain of events that lead you to say.. being late for work. So, basically this, to me, leads me to the speck of snow that turns into a snowball. That's what I've kinda realized my life has been turning out like... o_o; All my problems seemingly have a source and I think I know what it is...But for more stuff that leads up to this.

For a good portion of the last decade, I spent my time trying to better myself artistically. My close RL friends are fantastic artists and I sincerely looked up to them in hopes of one day becoming "that good". Over that time, I sort of "forgot" 2 things... one: as I'm trying to get better, so are they, (which isn't necessarily a completely bad thing...) and two: the world is big and full of talent.. older than me *and* younger. Now... with this in mind, I go away to college, kinda stop drawing for a year, fall out of the internet loop and then come back a couple years later. This is where my problems start.

The world is a really large place... there are many people... and I'm just one small individual amongst many... hundreds of thousands of millions of people. Now... here is me and my little site on the vast world of the Internet. The only thing I have to offer is my drawings... and by showing these drawings to people, I make a name for myself... or so I thought. Actually, ever since I returned to the Internet, I've felt more and more insecure about myself and my drawings. The more people I meet, the smaller I feel.. artistically and in the "scheme of things". People say my drawings are great, but I only feel it half-heartedly. I would just complain and whine all the time and probably irritate people senseless, "fishing for compliments" as some would go so far to say. Everything started becoming a mental competition for me and just tiring me out. >_< I came to the conclusion, after talking with good friends that my problem was simple:

The self-confidence I needed probably was always there inside of me, but just hidden behind a heavy dependency for the approval of others. So now, with this in mind, I think I have a clear understanding of what I need to change in my life. Strange.. with just saying those words "out loud", I feel that I can breathe a bit easier. But this is just the beginning... It's a matter of putting that concept to work!

So from here on out... I'm taking down my counter for good. ^_^ So, sorry no counter gifts for me to give... but I'll think of other ways of thanking you all. ^__^ As a starter, I have a poem written by one of my online sisters, Ladyfox, which I'll share with you here.